


Jay & Silent Bob Meet Frankenstein

by j_crew_guy



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-05
Updated: 2010-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-11 12:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_crew_guy/pseuds/j_crew_guy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Electrical storms and potheads don't mix. Or y'know, the title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jay & Silent Bob Meet Frankenstein

**Author's Note:**

> It's all Random's fault. She asked for some "weirdness" with Jay and Silent Bob, and well, this happened. Much love and gratitude to Random and Saone for unbelievable beta work, encouragement and help with the ending, and Immi and Shy for basically reading all of it and asking for more.

"Look, you tubby bitch. Just because *you* built the pay-per-view decoder doesn't mean you get to decide what we watch with it. We ain't watching another damn Barbra Streisand retirement concert! There's a Buttman marathon on another channel, and I don't wanna miss it. Now give me the fucking remote!"

Bob would've normally given Jay the remote. Any other night, Jay would have gotten it without a bit of protest. But tonight was different. Barbra was performing, in what was going to be her farewell performance. Well, her farewell, farewell performance. But dammit, a man has to stand his ground sometimes. Bob shook his head, and got up off of the couch, away from the angry Jay.

"Aww, c'mon. I don't wanna sit here, watching you cry your eyes out while she sings "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" another damn time. Let's watch something we can both enjoy. The Buttman marathon, yo! Tits and ass. What more do you want?" Jay looked up at Silent Bob, standing there. Bob considered Jay's request, and shook his head once more.

"Awright, you're goin' down!" Jay screamed as he leapt up from the couch and tackled Bob. The two of them fell to the floor, wrestling for the remote. Bob held on to the remote with one hand, and tried to defend himself from Jay's attacks with the other.

Jay was relentless in attacking Bob, tickling him mercilessly. "C'mon, lunchbox, just give in…"

Silent Bob raised an eyebrow at Jay's tactics, and decided to retaliate in equal fashion. Putting down the remote where Jay couldn't see it, Bob used both hands in retaliating. One of Bob's hands slipped under Jay's shirt, and Bob knew he was particularly vulnerable there. Bob's large hands danced across Jay's warm, flat stomach.

Jay started to laugh, and they began to roll on the floor. The two of them tumbled over the remote just as a bolt of lightning struck the cable box outside. Electricity arc'd out of the TV and struck the two stoners. Jay's last words before he passed out were, "This is all your fault!"

When they came to, they found themselves in a forest. There was a full moon overhead. "Where the fuck are we? What the fuck happened? Where's our damn apartment?" Bob shrugged and looked around them. He saw a castle in the distance and pointed. Jay followed the chubby finger and saw the castle. "Aw, hells no! We ain't goin' to no damn castle! I seen them creepy ass movies before and I know the kinds of weird motherfuckers that live in there."

Silent Bob gave Jay a look that said, "Do you want to take your chances out here?" Just then, a wolf's howl broke the silence around them. Jay lept into Bob's arms. "Awright, we go check out the castle. But at the first sign of freaky shit, we're out of there."

Bob dropped Jay and gestured with his hands that there might be vampire chicks there. "Aw, yeah," Jay nodded. "I got somethin' they can suck on. Noonch." He stood up and dusted himself off as Bob rolled his eyes. "What're you waitin' for, let's go?" Jay started walking in a direction opposite the castle. Silent Bob grabbed his friend and turned him towards the castle. Jay let the incident pass without comment because he was still busy thinking about all the vampire chicks in the castle that were waitin' for him. Bob followed, shaking his head.

Eventually, the two of them reached the castle. Their journey was speeded up by a path that Silent Bob found, complete with a sign that just happened to point in the direction of their destination. Bob knocked on the heavy wooden doors of the castle as Jay looked on and shivered. "Naw, I don't need your coat. Soon I'll have me some vampire ladies to keep me warm."

The door was opened by a hunchbacked servant. "The master doesn't like visitors."

"Fuck that shit!" Jay exclaimed as he shoved his way past the hunchback. "Where you keepin' them vampire girls at?" he asked as he looked around the interior of the castle. Silent Bob shrugged and followed his friend in, looking apologetic as he passed the hunchback.

Jay noticed something in the flickering torchlight. He looked at the walls, himself, and the hunchback. Something was different. Something Jay couldn't quite figure out. He pulled his red beanie off to scratch his head and looked down. The beanie wasn't red anymore. It was black. "Holy shit, Silent Bob, we're in black and white!"

Bob looked around them and nodded. The hunchback turned to Bob. "Your... Friend is rather odd." Silent Bob nodded.

"I saw that, you fat fuck. You're gonna pay for that later." Jay turned his attention back to the hunchback. "Yo, Igor, where you keep them chicks who suck at?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, sir. I must again ask you to leave before the master discovers your presence."

"Yo man, fuck you and your master, I'm goin' huntin' for some vampire chicks! I got a stake they can suck on, bung!" And with that, Jay headed for the stairs. Bob gave the hunchback an apologetic look as he shrugged and followed.

"The master will not be pleased," the hunchback muttered as he watched them climb upstairs.

Jay paused to catch his breath once he reached the top of the stairs. "Damn castles. Whyn't they got an elevator or some shit like that?" He looked at Bob who was climbing the last few steps. "Hurry up, lunchbox! If I gots to leave your fat ass behind, that means more of the ladies who suck for me."

Bob had no response for that. So, he grabbed a nearby torch and started down the corridor, not waiting for Jay. "Wait up! I was just kidding about taking all the chicks!" Jay called as he ran to catch up with his partner.

Bob stopped, but not because of what Jay said. He had found a door. Jay leaned on Silent Bob. "Why you gotta be like that? You know I'm afraid of the dark." All thoughts of revenge fled Jay's mind as he noticed the door before them.

"Outta the way, my man. Vampirella and her friends gots an appointment with Doctor Love!" Jay shoved the door and it opened slowly, creaking ominously.

He grabbed the torch from Bob's hand and looked around. "Ladies of the night, Jay the virginity slayer is here!" The room was empty except for a crate that was propped up against the far wall of the room. "Shit, they musta heard you was coming," Jay muttered as Silent Bob joined him in the room.

"Maybe they're hidin' in that crate over there," Jay mused. "I need somethin' to open it up."

Bob reached inside his coat and pulled out a crowbar.

"How do you keep all that shit in there anyway?" Jay asked as he took the proffered tool.

Silent Bob shrugged.

"A'ight, let's see if Vampirella's hidin' in here!" Jay ran to the crate and after much grunting and cursing, he pried it open. The lid fell to the floor with a loud crash and stirred up a large cloud of dust.

When the dust settled, the two of them peered into the crate. "Aw, man, there ain't shit in there but some fancy ass coffin with pictures all over it." Jay threw down the crowbar in disgust and stalked away.

Bob stood there, though, and studied the "fancy ass coffin" as Jay had put it. Bob thought it looked familiar, like he had seen it in a movie somewhere before. Did the lid just move? No, that was just his imagination. Had to be.

There it was again. A slow, steady grinding sound. Like something or someone was making the coffin lid move. Silent Bob took a couple of steps backward and bumped into Jay.

"What the fuck is your problem? I'm tryin' to think like a vampire chick, bitch!"

Bob smacked Jay and pointed at the crate. "Yeah, so it's a gay-ass coffin. I saw it already." Silent Bob grabbed Jay's head and held it so that he was looking towards the coffin. "Ho-leee shit, that thing is openin'!"

Jay struggled out of Bob's grasp and hid behind his rotund companion. "Whatever it is, kill it!" He cowered as Bob stood there and watched the lid fully open. A musty, ancient, spicy scent wafted out of the sarcophagous. "Damn, what did you eat?" Jay asked as he held his nose.

Silent Bob would've glared at Jay but there was a bone-chilling moan from inside the sarcophagous. And then something slowly began to walk out.

The two of them looked at each other as the sound of cloth scraping against the stone floor got closer and closer.

"What the fuck is that?" Jay screamed. Bob shrugged and pointed at the door. "Good idea. We gotta move fast. Faster than Walt Flannagan's dog. Go!"

They each tried to run, but ended up colliding with each other and fell to the ground. "Watch where you're going, you fat fuck," Jay scolded as he got up. He still kept an eye on the fancy ass coffin in the corner. Something was starting to emerge from the darkness there. There was another moan as a withered, tanned face partially obscured by bandages became visible.

"C'mon, c'mon! We gots to get out of here before that thing catches us!"

Bob got to his feet and headed for the door. Jay followed and waited for his companion to open it. Silent Bob turned to look at Jay. "Whaddya mean it won't open? Outta the way," he said as he pushed Bob aside. Jay pulled at the door but it wouldn't budge.

"Fuck!" he screamed. Jay looked at Bob again. "Don't tell me you don't have anything in that coat of yours that'll open it." Bob shook his head. "Dammit, you're useless sometimes, you tubby-" Jay's train of thought was derailed by the feeling of a hand clamped on his shoulder. "Get your hands off of me," he told Silent Bob.

Bob shrugged and showed Jay that neither of his hands were on him. "If you're not touching me, then who the fuck is?" he wondered. Bob's mouth dropped open as he turned to look. He tapped Jay on the shoulder. "What? Who the fuck is… Oh shit!" he screamed as he saw the mummy's withered and bandaged hand on his shoulder. "Getitoff getitoff getitoff!" Jay yelled as he struggled against the mummy's grasp.

Silent Bob dashed for the crowbar and scooped it up. He ran to the back of the mummy and whacked it in the head with the crowbar. There was the sound of something cracking, and then the creature let go of Jay and turned its attention to Silent Bob.

"Fuckin' a, Silent Bob, you show that raggedy motherfucker!"

Bob smiled at the mummy and dropped the crowbar. He caught Jay's attention and pointed at the torch in his friend's hand. Then he pointed to the mummy. Silent Bob did this a few times before Jay caught on. "What the fuck are you pointing at? I know you can talk, so just tell me what the fuck you want me to do!" Jay threw the torch down in disgust near the mummy as he turned his attention back to the door. "Fuck this shit, I'm leavin' your fat mummy-fightin' ass behind."

As Bob struggled with the mummy he saw the torch on the floor near them. He got an idea and began to move himself and the monster closer to it. He heard Jay struggling with the door but knew he had to focus on dealing with the mummy first. Just a step or two closer… There! Flames from the torch leapt onto a stray bandage and quickly consumed the mummy.

Silent Bob slipped from its grasp as it stumbled around and moaned. He waved goodbye as it collapsed into a pile of ashes. Bob turned to Jay who was still attempting to open the door.

He walked over and tapped Jay on the shoulder. "What?" Jay asked as he looked over his shoulder. "Oh, you took care of Raggedy Andy. Thanks, yo. But we still need the door open so's I can get me some vampire chicks!" Bob gestured. "What, you want me to move out of the way? You don't got nothin' else in that coat to open it? Whatever, man." Jay shook his head and stepped back.

Silent Bob took a few steps back and then ran at the door. There was a meaty thud as he collided with the door. It shook on its hinges but didn't fall down. He staggered back and looked at the door. Bob scratched his chin as he pondered how to get the door open.

Jay walked around the room, talking about what he would do when he finally got to those vampire chicks. He took a step without looking and tripped on something. Jay looked down at what had caused him to slip. "Dammit, Lunchbox can't you pick your shit up after you're done with it?" He picked up the crowbar and looked at the door. Looked at the crowbar and then the door.

"I know! I can use this to lock the door once I get to Vampirella and her friends!"

Bob turned and looked at Jay. He grabbed the crowbar from Jay and gave him a look that said, "You moron."

"What?" Jay asked as he watched Bob stalk back to the door and put the crowbar to use.

Silent Bob grunted and groaned as he pried the door open. There was the sound of splintering wood and Bob was able to pull the door open.

"We're free!" Jay crowed. "Now to find me some vampire lady lovin'!" He and Bob stepped into the corridor and looked around. "If I were a vampire chick, where would I be?"

Silent Bob shrugged. All he wanted to do was find a way out of here and get back home in time to see most of the Barbra concert.

"I know! The basement! C'mon, lunchbox! We'll knock coffins down below! Snoogans."

 

Jay ran out the door and dashed down the stairs. Silent Bob followed, pausing to grab the torch they had brought with them. He took his time going downstairs looking around the castle.

"Why you takin' so long? Them vampire girlies ain't gonna be interested in sharin' if I get to 'em first!"

Bob bent over and hobbled around.

"Oh, you still worried about I-gor? That butt ugly mo-fo's long gone. He knew I'd kick his ass if he tried to keep me from the ladies. C'mon!" Jay said as he grabbed Bob by the collar of his shirt and pulled the rotund man towards him. "I ain't even gonna give youse sloppy seconds if you don't keep up!"

Silent Bob shrugged and followed Jay to a corner of the castle that looked like it led to the basement. Jay smiled smugly when they found the stairway that led down below. "I told you they was in the basement. C'mon, tons o' fun."

 

Bob handed Jay the torch and let him lead the way. The two of them clomped down the stairs. Jay called out when they got close to the bottom. "Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob are here and ready to lay us some vampires!"

A male voice answered them. "Who's there? I must ask you to leave."

Jay nudged Silent Bob. "He just wants to keep the chicks to himself," he whispered as they reached the end of the stairs. Bob didn't think that was the case, but he didn't want to risk Jay's anger.

"Hey, where you keepin' them foine girls at? No fair keepin' 'em to yourself!" Jay called out into the darkness.

"I'm sorry, there are no women down here. I *must* ask you to leave, for your own safety," the mystery voice said.

"Awright, we're gonna find your ass and kick it for lyin' to us. Once we get done wit' the ladies. Ain't that right?" Silent Bob shrugged and nodded.

"Sir, you and your companion should leave. Soon, I won't be able to control myself."

"Sounds like me around da ladies," Jay whispered to Bob. Bob rolled his eyes in response.

Jay swung the torch around, trying to find out where the voice was coming from. Rats scattered at the light from the torch. "Ah-ha! Over there!" He pointed with the torch at a cell on the far side of the room. "You're the one keeping the girlies from us!"

In the cell, there was a sad-looking man with dark hair and dark eyes. He wore the tattered remains of a suit, and his arms were chained to the wall.

"I see someone already locked you up for us. This'll make things *real* easy," Jay said as he cracked his knuckles.

"You should leave. You're not safe. There aren't any women here. *Please* leave."

"Naw, not til we check all over down here. You could be lyin'. Let's check over there, Silent Bob."

The man in the cell fell silent and watched the duo search the room.

Bob nodded and followed Jay's lead. All they found was a row of empty cells, with a skeleton shackled to the wall in one of them. "Damn, nothin' over here. Okay, let's try there," Jay gestured to the other side of the room.

Again, they found nothing but empty cells.

"Damn, yo. Nothin'."

Jay strolled down to the cell where the man was. "A'ight, where you hidin' them at?"

"I *told* you. There are *no* women here. The doctor doesn't believe in having them around. He says they're distracting. Now I must ask you to leave."

Jay shrugged and the two of them turned to go. Then the man in the cell started to scream.

Jay and Silent Bob turned back to look. The man was writhing in agony, struggling against the chains. Their rattling was drowned out by his screams as he began to change.

Dark, coarse hairs sprouted all over his body, and his hands and feet slowly, painfully began to turn into paws. He had newfound strength and pulled himself free of the chains. The man fell to the ground, his screams becoming howls as his face lengthened and became more wolf-like.

"Dude, that looks like your mom."

Bob smacked Jay on the back of his head.

"Ow! Why'd you do that? He does! Or at least your mom looked like that when she woke up the morning after. Bung!"

The wolf creature in the cell lunged at the door. It rattled, but refused to give way. The creature growled and lunged again. The door still refused to give.

"Shit, I think we'd better look elsewhere for them vampire girls!" And with that, Jay ran for the stairs, not waiting for Bob. Silent Bob cocked his head, studying the creature as it continued to snarl and ram the cell.

Jay called down from the stairs, "What the fuck are you waiting for? That thing'll make a meal outta your fat ass if you don't hurry up!"

Bob looked at the creature one last time, pity in his eyes. Then he ran like hell.

The two of them climbed the stairs back up to the castle proper and closed the door to the basement.

"Whaddya mean you don't have the crowbar wit' you any more? How the fuck are we gonna make sure Fluffy down there doesn't come up here?"

Silent Bob pondered this as he rummaged through the inside of his coat. After a moment of searching, he gave up and held his hands open.

"What?! Shit, your ass would be grass if it wasn't for me."

Bob let that remark slide as he studied the room they were in. He spotted a large table and went over to it. He got Jay's attention, and the two of them dragged it over and propped it against the door. They wiped their hands clean and looked around.

"A'ight, all this searching for Vampirella and her friends has made me hungry! Let's go see about some food!" Jay sniffed the air. "Damn, nothing."

Silent Bob saw a pair of double doors and pointed at them. "Yeah, there's probably a dining room in there. Maybe I-gor can bring us some food. C'mon!"

They headed for the double doors and Jay pulled them open. "Yo, I-gor! Where the food at!"

The hunchback wasn't there. But someone else was, standing by the fireplace. "Good evening. Would you care for something to drink? I, myself, never drink... wine."

The hunchback wasn't there. But someone else was, standing by the fireplace. "Good evening. Would you care for something to drink? I, myself, never drink... wine."

"That's cool, yo. Me and Lunchbox here never smoke... tobacco."

Bob rubbed his stomach and nudged Jay. "Oh yeah. You gots anything to eat? Me and Silent Bob here are hungry!"

The vampire smiled. "Please, sit down and make yourselves comfortable." He gestured to the table near the wall.

Jay and Silent Bob walked over to the table and sat down. Jay looked at his partner. "We abouts to get our grub on!" Bob nodded eagerly. "Bring on the food, my good man!"

The vampire waved his hand and plates appeared in front of them. Jay looked down at the plates before them. They were filled with elegant pastries, the finest cuts of meat, exotic fruits and more. "What the fuck is this shit? Where's the cheeseburgers and HoHos man?"

Bob ignored Jay's rudeness and looked pointedly at their "host". "Forgive me," the vampire chuckled. "I plan to eat… later. And I assure you, the food you see before you is exquisite and of the highest quality."

Silent Bob glared at Jay. "Shit, I'm sorry, man. I'll give this koo-zine a try. C'mon, man, dig in!" Bob nodded and the two of them noisily and sloppily ate their fill.

The vampire looked on with great interest, licking his lips occaisionally.

Jay belched loudly once he and Bob were finished eating. "Damn, that was good!" He looked at Silent Bob. "We should have this koo-zine shit more often!" Bob nodded.

"I'm glad the two of you enjoyed the food. Would you like to join me by the fire for a drink?"

"Thanks, but no thanks, m'man. We're on the look out for some ladies here in the castle. C'mon, Silent Bob."

Jay and Silent Bob rose from their chairs to leave, but their "host" turned to look at them. "I didn't say you could leave."

"What?!" Jay squawked. "We needs to go!"

"I don't feel you will be going anywhere, any time soon," the vampire said as he looked at them. Jay quickly fell under the hypnotic spell the vampire's eyes cast. Bob's attention was elsewhere, so he wasn't enraptured like Jay was.

Silent Bob looked around the room as their "host" continued to work on Jay. "Come, sit by the fire, and I'll show you what I like to drink."

Jay stood up and walked over to a chair by the fireplace and sat down. "Yes," the vampire hissed as he leaned down near Jay's neck.

Silent Bob noticed a large mirror mounted on a wall opposite the table. He saw his own reflection, and that of Jay's, but their host wasn't reflected. Bob pondered this and quickly realized just what their host was. "Jay!" he screamed. "Get the fuck away from him you bloodsucking fiend!"

Bob ran at the vampire and tackled him to the ground. The vampire growled at Silent Bob. "If I can't have your friend, you'll do," he hissed. Bob struggled with the vampire as the two of them rolled back and forth near the fireplace. Jay continued to sit in the chair, waiting to see what their host liked to drink.

Bob grunted as he held off the vampire's slavering mouth with one hand and rummaged in his coat with the other. He pulled out a vial of holy water and shoved it into the vampire's mouth. "Drink that," he muttered.

Silent Bob crawled away as the vampire began to gag and smoke and his skin began to bubble. He watched as the vampire melted into a puddle of goo and ashes, and then turned his attention to Jay. He snapped his fingers in front of his partner's face. No reaction. Bob tried screaming in Jay's ear. Nothing.

He sat down in the chair opposite Jay and sighed. Bob looked at Jay and thought. Then it hit him. He reached inside his coat and pulled out a joint. Bob lit it up and exhaled some of the smoke in Jay's direction.

Jay blinked and looked around. "Where'd our host go?" Bob shrugged. "Ah, I bet you farted and scared his ass away. Now I'll never find out what he likes to drink."

Silent Bob rolled his eyes and pulled Jay to his feet. "Yeah, you're right. We should get back to lookin' for them ladies. C'mon!"

The two of them left the room and headed back into the castle. The hunchback was waiting for them. "The master would... Like to meet you."

"Shit yeah! Maybe this master guy knows where the ladies is at! Take us to him, I-gor."

"Yes. Please, follow me," the hunchback said as he headed up the main staircase. "The master is in his laboratory, working on an experiment. He was most... Eager to meet the two of you when I told him of your presence."


End file.
